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Getting the good things we want in life…


​Here is how I used to fool myself! I used to say that I set strong limits.

Cringing now!

What it really was, was a fear based control of my surroundings. With zero consequences. Utterly without  effect. All it really served was to leave me in utter confusion about why I do not get support and why things do not get done, except if I do them – it left me feeling utterly exhausted and alone.

Do you know the feeling?

Actually, boundaries are not this...
What boundaries really create are this:

  • self-care
  • a space where our “no” is accepted
  • safety
  • teaching people how we want to be treated
  • support
  • acceptance of a “me” I do not have to change in order to be acceptable
  • self-determination

Brene Brown (our all time hero!) has shown through her research that the people with the best boundaries are the most able to be vulnerable. Vulnerability is the real and only healthy path to connection, but we have to create that space for ourselves. And we create that safe space by knowing that we are really the only constant in our own lives, and that it is not anyone else’s job to be our adult. However well meant or ill conceived…
So when we are willing to tell people how we want to be treated – in a logical, non-emotional way, without blame or judgement – it is their choice whether they want to be in our lives or not. This is not coercion, threatening or manipulation. It is just us taking responsibility for what we want in our lives.

No, it is not simple or easy. But there is a way in which ones does it. Respectfully. With effective communication tools. And it all come from have a strong sense of self love and self-worth.

You are most welcome to talk to me! I am keeping these posts short – who has time for long e mails?
​But there is much more that goes into the process, and sometimes we need help and support.

Much love

This Post Has 2 Comments

  1. michele dowley

    Hi Louise, I really miss the stimulation of Wednesday evenings.

  2. Louise van Niekerk

    Miss you too! Hope your new home is working out for you!
    Much love.

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